Guilt
by joelmillers
Summary: "You lied to me, didn't you?"


"You lied to me, didn't you?"

Ellie continued staring out over the rooftops of the compound Joel's brother had helped bring to life, quietly humming with the sound of generators and sleeping families. Arms wrapped around her legs, her sweatshirt did little to keep out the chill of a cold fall night. Joel climbed through the window, as he often did when he found her out on the roof at night. She seemed to be getting lost in her thoughts more and more every day.

"What are you talkin' about?" he asked quietly, hiding the shake in his voice. This wasn't the conversation he was hoping to have. Actually, it was the conversation he'd been desperately avoided since the day they returned to Tommy and Maria's place.

"After the Fireflies. When I asked if everything you said was really true?" she rested a cheek on her knee. "It was a lie."

"I gave you my word—"

"Well, evidently your word doesn't mean shit, Joel." He couldn't remember a time that she'd been _that _blunt. The words hurt, but he was distracted by the unraveling of their relationship before his eyes, by his own mistakes.

"What did you do to them?" She still hadn't bothered to look at him, just watching the rooftops, the trees, the stars. "Where's Marlene now?"

His silence was all he could offer.

"You killed her, didn't you."

Sharpened words. He could tell it was a statement she'd been preparing herself to make for a long time.

She moved to stand up. "Fuck this."

"Ellie, wait a minute—" he managed to say, holding up a hand to the young girl that had finally turned around to face him. He could see the glimmer of tears in her eyes from the warm light coming from the window they'd both climbed through. "Now listen, I did what I did to protect you… I did what I thought was best."

"Yeah? What about what I thought was best, Joel?" she spat, eyes wide and angry. "That wasn't your choice to make!"

"You were unconscious. She was gonna cut you up and throw you out, just to try to find a cure that they're not even sure _exists, _Ellie. Now why don't you sit down and we'll talk about this."

She scoffed, feeling her nails biting into the rough skin of her palms. "I have nothing to say to you besides 'fuck you'." She took a few steps towards him, trying to brush past him, but he stopped her with both hands. "I just wanted to help, and you took that away from me!"

His brows shot up in almost-laughter. "You wanted to help by dying? Sure, that'll help your damn cause."

"I wanted to help by making sure that nobody else had to die like—" she cut herself off, hand rushing silently to her chest where Riley's old Firefly tags hung between her breasts.

Joel swallowed. "Sam. Tess." His voice shook as he pronounced the woman's name, one that she'd heard murmured in his sleep so many times before. It sounded so different when he chose to say it, like it was a hallowed syllable. A prayer only uttered in his weakness to the highest power that he knew of.

"Riley."

Joel pursed his lips, watching her expression turn from anger to sorrow, then back to anger again. "You killed Marlene."

"She was gonna kill you."

Her eyes didn't change. "You killed. Marlene."

"I did what I had to—"

She shoved him hard enough for his back to hit the window pane. "She was all I had left of my mom! Of Riley! She was the only one who knew them!"

"What good is she if you're dead, Ellie?" he yelled back, finally getting his word in. "What good is any of this if you're dead?"

"I'm not your kid!" she shot back, eyes venomous. "You don't get to make that call! It was _my _call! And I wanted to be a part of that cure being made, so people don't have to get infected anymore! It's not fair—"

"I know it ain't fair. God knows I know."

She knew he was thinking about Tess, but she couldn't restrain her anger. "Well, do you want more people to lose their partners? Do you want what happened to Tess to happen to Tommy? Maria? Anyone you know?"

He felt his heart hammering through its ache. "Don't even say things like that, you know that we can't—"

"I just wanted to do something good," she said desperately, finally breaking. "I just wanted to help."

"You have helped. You stitched me up when I was in real bad shape, and you took care of me when I was practically dyin'. You've done so much good."

"Sam, Tess…. They died because of me. Riley, she died because of me, and I…. I loved her."

He ran a hand over his face, trying to get a hold of her struggles so he could reason with her. "I know, but none of that is your fault, Ellie, you have to stop blamin' yourself."

"I'm not blaming myself anymore. I wanted to give people that cure, even if it meant dying." She paused for a moment to swallow down the rest of the thoughts that came rushing up too fast for her tongue to articulate. "You took that away from me."

"Ellie—"

"Don't. You really don't get it, do you? What it's like to feel guilty?" She pushed past him and slid easily through the window. Before he could even call after her, she was gone down the hall and through her door.

He made it back into the house and stood by the open window, thumbing the cracked surface of his watch. "I get it, kiddo," he murmured, to her, to his daughter, to no one.


End file.
